Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
