dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
