Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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