I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize