remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm getting married
To pizza
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
