If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
