i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
In America we eat man semen.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
