I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
