my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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