i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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