I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
