We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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