Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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