Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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