and my herpes radar will keep us safe
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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