we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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