just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
