you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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