is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
