i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
