i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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