I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize