alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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