She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
