ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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