If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
