I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
