My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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