why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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