I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
