On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this beer tastes like vomit already
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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