Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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