I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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