i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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