we made out on top of his cat.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
