if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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