gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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