i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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