overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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