it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
God I need to hump something, right now.
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