You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize