I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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