Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
