I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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