My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
