I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
