Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
