I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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