I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
