At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
