Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
