3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
