Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
