I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
