He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
