My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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