Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
