She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
