I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize