I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
