I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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