Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
