took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
