things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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