Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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