I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
